Feeling so indifferent lately makes me finally wish for spring as well!
Indifferent ? Well – it seems that something can be hell of a craic or a horrible thing to do : I don’t really care but I do it. I’s a strange situation – seems that winter has left its ice with me in parts. I should get back to some people but simply can’t be bothered to talk on the phone (or talk at all). Writing – yes – writing’s good and I’m finally catching up on my mail! So there’s something! And I so love my job – I feel at home in it and I love what I do — and then there are days like today where I can’t be bothered to prepare. Sitting here, starring at the stuff and wondering what to do next – yet there is a hell lot to be done really!
What strange atmosphere has possesed me here? I feel … mhh…within, withdrawn from teh world and yet not enough to still be fighting the urge of meditation and shaman travels. I want to – but I’m keeping myself from it.
Now that the Christian lent has started…I wanted to give up sweets and “nonsense-TV” for lent. Never had such a hard time I guess! Why did I chose those two? I admit a bit of a diet-thought was accompanying it, but still: both are such timekillers and basically supplements for some deeper urges. Sure you all know the situation: coming home, switching on the TV to get rid of the noise of work, still lingering on in your head – simply for seeing something else. “Only 10 minutes – ok, make it 30″ and all of a sudden two hours have passed without you really caring what’s on and without being bothered by anything else in the world. Bad conscience sets in…all those things you could have done ….
Sweets have a similar effect if you are honest. Why do you eat them? Not because you really want them and you love them (well – ehm..not only at least)…ususally our hand moves to the bowl while we really long for something else. But we like our mouth to be occupied, we like the feeling of the different sweets or crisps or whatever in our mouth. We want to feel —
Basically it’s this want to feel that makes us grap for the supplements. And once you try to get along without them you notice how hard it is to do so. After that first week (nearly) I’m still lost on what to do with myself. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve got plenty of ideas. One major want was to be meditating more and simply do more for myself (on the inside and outside) or I could have focused on work in the right time and spot so I would not be left with so much to prepare right now — but jumping your shadows is not easy and I feel being alone with yourself is becoming on of t he hardest things to do for humans in our times.
You don’t agree? When was the last time you saw a middle-aged person on a bus or train without him/her either reading, playing with their mobiles or making excessive use of any kind of music-players? ……………. See?!
And now – when was the last time you were really alone with yourself – without music, phones, PC or any device switched on? ……..
What makes it so hard to be alone with ourselves? Feel free to comment on this …
….by the way…yesterday I noticed the first snowdrops are pushing their heads out of the soil….what a good feeling that is…
Maybe it’s just being out of an immediate goal after your exams and getting your job?
I know it can be hard to simply enjoy life after you’ve fought so much for your goals. Just try to do some things that make you happy and awake. Maybe take up again a hobby you abandoned while doing the ref?
And believe me, I can’t see that white stuff anymore either….
Cheers
Waldfrau