been a looong time 2. June 2011

That I posted on this blog of mine…

Celtic Spider from noblepagan actually reminded me by asking me about my whereabouts and so I was really reminded that there is more to me than a growing belly *lol*

Lately there was not too much spirituality apart from my tarot-cards and in the end…it’s all because there is another little fairy growing inside of me. It’s like a double-thing about my spiritual side really. On the one hand I don’t feel like being “witchy” at all – on the other hand I feel like I’m experiencing the most spiritual thing a woman can experience. I feel the urge to meditate and am scared to do so….I don’t know whether I fear the possibility of being in real contact to the baby-girl or whether I fear of being too caried away on the other side with a baby….

Strange strange strange….

But I feel quite well most of the time…so I guess it might all go the way it should be. Yet I guess I could use more spiritual preperation for giving birth …. so if anyone has a good hint for me – let me know

Fairy dreaming of wolves 3. May 2010

Been a couple of days now that I had this dream – I promised Kate to translate it asap, but I never found the time or power….so for tonight I’ve decided to give it a go. It was the night to the 25th and it was strong….very strong…

So “we” were haunted. I don’t know who “we” were and I didn’t have the feeling it mattered much, espcially as this was nothing like a “I’m haunted, I run away” dreams. this was different! It all started at a kind of hostel where I was with that group of people that would be haunted with me. I’ll keep the beginning short…we noticed that we were locked out of that hostel – and then noticed we shouldn’t be, as originally “she” had planned to lock us all inside with the others. That “she” – in a fairy tale she’d be the wicked witch *lol* But also for “her” I don’T know whether she had much of a role… So we notice everyone is kept inside and we are free — and the chase begins.

We find out we are haunted especially by a man – and a wolf. And here’s the interesting bit: that pitch-black wolf seemed to have a special connection to “her”. It didn’t scare me though, it only scared the group I was escaping with, but I thought there was no need to. That wolf comes very close several times – no growling or anything though… Later on in a apartment we stopped by to relax a minute we see the man, who’s been on our heels several times before now. But here we are close – he was expecting us there.

He’s got that keen, venturous look. I saw him in such detail, if I was able to draw you’d have the perfect photofit picture – believe me. Yet by now memory slowly starts to fade. Anyway – I was attracted by him straight away – he was all dressed in black: black suit, black shirt below, not completely buttoned. Dark hair – not too long, but not short either (again: I cold draw it – it’s hard to describe though)…and I still get that feeling in my stomache…that special connection… not sexual though in any way… everyone is scared and escapes from the room again straight away. I’M drawn to that man…he doesn’t try to stop us – neither me nor the others.

I go to him, I’m very very close and look straight into his eyes. I can feel both our heartbeats so clearly  – it’s as if I can feel both bodies at the same time and I have a premonition. So I put one hand to his heart -he  does not resist at all but simply keeps standing there, looking into my eyes. I hear myself saying “The wolf – it’s yours – it’s you!” – he does not respond by words but there is a quick glimpse of recognition and astonishment and I know it’s true. “The wolf is you – she parted your totem from your body and self!”  I’m hit with instant sadness upon this last recognition and I can see the sadness in his eyes as well. We’re not talking anything besides that – but we are so close and so connected. The others call for me and I rush out to them without him trying to hinder me – our eyes keep attached when I go.

Further on in that dream there is another scene where we are “found” by our followers: The wolf had followed our tracks and circled us while we were sitting in what seemed like an ice-cream parlor or something, having an ice-cream and drinks. All are shocked. But due to the encounter earlier I simply call the wolf, look into his eyes (which are also HIS eyes, not only the wolve’s)  and hold a finger to my lips. It stops growling instantly, stands back and lets everyone go. The others start to wonder, but I simply explain that “he” still has some power over the wolf – he can still control it more than the “she”  that parted him from his body. Yet I can feel that it costs him a lot of strength to do so – therefore I urge the others to rush on.

Let me strengthen that part again: at no time was that dream frightening or a typical “chased-down”-dream! The central point are the wolf, that man and our connection. I even provoke being found by “him” or the wolf every now and then, while I made the others leave so they’s be save. At one time I meet him – he’s sweating a lot, because the wolf is outside and has found my “companions” and he has a really hard time controlling the wolf and being able to talk to me at the same time. Those eyes – so pleading, so longing and yet so clear and connected to me. We’re talking about our options. I can’t think of a way to reconnect his body(self) and the wolf  to complete him again. I’m thinking really hard, but we can’t find a solution. So we ask each other, what would happen if the wolf was killed (for the case he wouldn’t be able to keep controlling him), but we can’t figure it out. We simply don’t know whether it would bring back the original connection, kill both or “only” the totem. It feels a little desperate… but he insists on our savety being more important than that question as we were all victims in a way.

There are more short encounters with our followers: the wolf, other people and “him” as well. But there is only one more worth telling in detail I guess. It was so intense I cannot forget about that – it was the encounter shortly before I woke up. We are standing very very close to each other, but we don’t touch. I can feel and hear his heartbeat, I can feel the wolf he’s controlling, I feel him close, but we barely touch: it’s as if my head was lying at his chest, his face upon my head (as if kissing my hair) and  his hands holding my upper arm.  Just that there’s about an inch between our bodies at those “touching-points” . The atmosphere is very electric – a lot of tension between us, yet it’s not erotic tension but simply a feeling of closeness and connectedness. We belong! We belong in a way I cannot grasp.

Unfortunately I woke up shortly after that… would have loved to know more about that “story”.

After waking up I checked with my fave “Shaman-Page” and this is what I found:

• Facing the end of one’s cycle with dignity and courage
• Death and rebirth
• Spirit teaching
• Guidance in dreams and meditations
• Instinct linked with intelligence
• Social and familial values
• Outwitting enemies
• Ability to pass unseen
• Steadfastness
• Skill in protection of self and family
• Taking advantage of change

(click here for the source)

In the meantime I also got some more words on it which had me think about it…. but as this post is long enough at this point I’ll first jot it to the world for you to look at and we’ll see where we go from here. Will let you know the ideas I was told and my thoughts back on it..

Take care…will go dancing with the wolves now *hehe*

your fairy of the plains

…winter at heart….rambling thoughts…people alone… 21. February 2010

Feeling so indifferent lately makes me finally wish for spring as well!

Indifferent ? Well – it seems that something can be hell of a craic or a horrible thing to do : I don’t really care but I do it. I’s a strange situation – seems that winter has left its ice with me in parts. I should get back to some people but simply can’t be bothered to talk on the phone (or talk at all). Writing – yes – writing’s good and I’m finally catching up on my mail! So there’s something! And I so love my job – I feel at home in it and I love what I do — and then there are days like today where I can’t be bothered to prepare. Sitting here, starring at the stuff and wondering what to do next – yet there is a hell lot to be done really!

What strange atmosphere has possesed me here? I feel … mhh…within, withdrawn from teh world and yet not enough to still be fighting the urge of meditation and shaman travels. I want to – but I’m keeping myself from it.

Now that the Christian lent has started…I wanted to give up sweets and “nonsense-TV” for lent. Never had such a hard time I guess! Why did I chose those two? I admit a bit of a diet-thought was accompanying it, but still: both are such timekillers and basically supplements for some deeper urges. Sure you all know the situation: coming home, switching on the TV to get rid of the noise of work, still lingering on in your head – simply for seeing something else. “Only 10 minutes – ok, make it 30″ and all of a sudden two hours have passed without you really caring what’s on and without being bothered by anything else in the world. Bad conscience sets in…all those things you could have done ….

Sweets have a similar effect if you are honest. Why do you eat them? Not because you really want them and you love them (well – ehm..not only at least)…ususally our hand moves to the bowl while we really long for something else. But we like our mouth to be occupied, we like the feeling of the different sweets or crisps or whatever in our mouth. We want to feel —

Basically it’s this want to feel that makes us grap for  the supplements. And once you try to get along without them you notice how hard it is to do so. After that first week (nearly) I’m still lost on what to do with myself. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve got plenty of ideas. One major want was to be meditating more and simply do more for myself (on the inside and outside) or I could have focused on work in the right time and spot so I would not be left with so much to prepare right now  — but jumping your shadows is not easy and I feel being alone with yourself is becoming on of t he hardest things to do for humans in our times.

You don’t agree? When was the last time you saw a middle-aged person on a bus or train without him/her either reading, playing with their mobiles or making excessive use of any kind of music-players? ……………. See?!

And now – when was the last time you were really alone with yourself  – without music, phones, PC or any device switched on? ……..

What makes it so hard to be alone with ourselves? Feel free to comment on this …

….by the way…yesterday I noticed the first snowdrops are pushing their heads out of the soil….what a good feeling that is…

the pagan way – so what? 8. January 2010

This is kinda triggered by Waldfrau …..

The longer I’m on that path (whatever that may be) the less important the sabbats or the ecclectic wheel of the year in general seem to be. Some celebrations are “felt” and I enjoy the special feeling they bring…but no need for celebrations.

I even wonder when I had the last “proper rite” for a festive day. Ages ago….last Beltane I had a sponateous action on my own in the garden. Just some smudging, some prayers, planting a flower – full stop. No big deal with circles or whatsoever. I simply feel that there is no need for it. Especially as I can’t really relate to a “call the different gods”-thing as I’ve always believed that there is just one power /God who’s all in one: all gods are one God if you want to put it that way. And I don’t care at all whether it’s “male” or “female”. It is God – it is “it” and calling it God instead of goddess does not bring me any bad feelings – simply because that male/female thing is of no matter to me (as explained).

Yes – I still have an affinity for the Egypt gods and systems – but only because I own (and looove) my small Isis and esp. my cherished Osiris does not mean I need to kneel down and invoke them. I know several people who have told me the gods would not be amused if I call them all “aspects of a whole” without admitting their personality. Mh – don’t think so – maybe I’ll be thinking different again one day -> if your own picture of “God” does not vary from time to time and change under the influence of life…sorry to be telling you that your religious development is not moving on (check Oser + Gmünder if you want to )

So – coming back to the start: what is “the pagan” way? I’ve come from an interest in wicca over different systems of belief to the state I’m in now: I don’t need huge rites with tonz of tools or whatsoever. I have found my way of talking to the power, using it in myself – which includes being able to be talking to Wiccas/Eclectics/Asatru….Pagans (to shorten it) and still go to church every now and then without feeling “diverted”. Both parts belong together in myself and for myself. What’s really getting on my nervers in this respect is other pagans blaming me for not being a “proper pagan” (sometimes I think there was an amandment to the Rede, saying “Thou shalt hate the church to be a real Wiccan”)….and I know Kate will partly agree so at least I’m not alone….

Why can’t “the pagan way” not simply be something “mixed”? No stories of patchwork-religion and how bad it is to take only the best of differnt systems. That’s not what I intented either…ah – I guess I better stop the rambling for a minute and control my thoughts — or leave it to comments to trigger a clearer speech of myself

A new year and a room with a view 4. January 2010

So here we are – with start into the new year! Hope you all had a good start.

I haven’t been online much lately – at least not for boards or blogs. Kate would certainly call it hibernation – and maybe that’s quite exactly what it is/was. I simply stayed to myself a lot, kept things inside, nourished thoughts ans all such things. So many things were to consider for the future:

we’ve got a construction site in our house from this week on and all had to be planned for it. Plus I had to get my CVs out – not that it was very useful: no job in sight so far! Ok – no steady one – there  are options by now which all came out of the blue. That’s the way it goes, isn’t it? *hehe*

Well, right now I’m still enjoying the Twelve Days (or found as Twelve Nights as well). It’s a time for introspection and confronting your own fears and ideas. A time to look at your true wishes and start working on them or planning for it. And of course a time to have a look into your own future  – the next year. As you might know, the Twelve Days (starting with the night from 25th to 26th of Dec) each stand for a month of the year coming up. Therefore I’veveen taking my tarot cards out each night  for a couple of years by now. Last year I used my Tarot of Secrets. This year the Tarot of the Secret Forest simply yelled at me and I really had more than an urge to use it. You know…it don’t quite like using it …. because I love it as it tells me “too much” from time to time. It speaks to me in a way, as it’s a very intuitinal deck – it gets to you! So this year it’s the Secret Forest…

What do I do exactly? Well I have stopped taken only one card and use the following spread:

…….2

3………..4

…….1

1 = Main Card of the month showing a general tendency

2= on the spiritual and mental level / in my head

3= emotional level / in my heart

4= material level / job

It’s worked really well for me – last year the results really were amazing!

So why room with a view? Due to the construction site we had to place the study in another room. And now there’s a lot of space  plus my desk is in a wonderful position: I have a good view out of the window onto our hazelnut on one side of the house and a view to the back garden at the same time. I love it – can’t wait to finish everything up there and put everything back into place. Yet it’s the “putting things in place” again that I dread SUre you understand – can’t wait to have everything done in here

Back into some hibernating silence….

The Fairy

Thin layers 1. November 2009

Oh yes – if Samhain was noticable this year it was merely in dreams I have to say.

Thin layer is not even enough to describe the last nights I’ve had. Apart from very vivid dreams that I remember in very much detail I simply “new” things when I woke up in the morning through the last couple of days. Yesterday was “worst” really. I woke up and knew an exact conversation that would not be held until noontime that day. Plus I knew that a part of my cousin’s familiy would not appear at her b-day party due to someone being very ill – which was accurate as well. Strange…yet it never scared me. It simply amazed me to have that come out the way it did all of a sudden. Would be nice to know what to do for the exam as well *lol* Thin layer really meets the quality this year it seems…

One of the vivid dreams was the one with a burning house in the night to Samhain:

Well, I was driving down the road – though can’t remember actually driving the car or vehicle. So I passed a three-storey-house (typical for our area – 3 storeys + 3-6 apartments) which was all on fire. Maybe I was a doctor or whatever (?), since I went that direction. I came closer, and I noticed something strange about the house standing on the right of the ones in flames:

A woman stood on the balcony of the 3rd floor, her baby in her arms and jumped down — although it was not even that house on fire, but the one next to her house! I ran over to see if I could help here, while another woman (black hair, chin-length) came running out , wrapped in her bathrope. She was screaming and crying that the woman who had just jumped down was her sister. I gave the baby to her (hell knows where I got it from – but I knew in the dream that I had already checked the woman – she was dead, but the baby unharmed in her embrace), shaking her, looking her into the eyes and telling her that the wee man would now need his aunt and whether she was strong enought to do it. She nodded and I said “Good! Now keep calm” and …

…that must have been the moment when the fire-brigade and ambulance came. I gave instructions with my hand, so that the fire-brigade drove over to the house on fire (interesting: no one came running out of that house or was in panic or whatever – it was simply on fire, with the flames shooting out of all windows), the ambulance to the house I was at to check on the baby and the dead woman.

Woke up shortly after that and it really left me kinda confused…
it felt as if the strongest part of it was that the house where the panic (?) obviously took over was not on fire …

can someone make any sense of it? Maybe seing the houses as a unit of left/right…?! So there would be a problem in the inutition part and panic at the logical one? Ah dear – somethings don’t work in terms of interpretation lately…

Wonderous worlds… 25. October 2009

Again those thoughts hunt me… or rather pictures…I’m confronted with Shamanic Stuff over and over again lately and I feel the urge to get over talking about a shamanic travel and finally do it.

I want to be there and run…

Then again I’m kept by my own fears and thoughts :

• concentrate on your exams first –> in a few weeks you’ll have time and mind for all travels, meditations and everything you haven’t found the time for during the last years
• don’t run the risk of having to work with the results you get before you’re don working with things on earth
• maybe the teacher you’ve shortly met “there” will be very helpful for your exams i nthe real world either
• maybe that teacher won’t even be there anymore,  since you haven’t travelled again ever since meeting him – and that’s a couple of years in the past
• travelling all by your own might not be the best idea anyway
• nothing can happen to you
  
• …..

You see – I’m torn. interesting thing is: it’s really been a couple of years eversince the last “real” shamanic travel. Yet I’ve hat short “encounters” during meditations. Never again with that “teacher” I’ve met. I’ve been wondering for ages whether it was just what I “wanted” to see during the travel and wished for – or for real. It’s a little too cliché to met an native-indian looking man on your travel, holding out his hand to you, help you over an “edge” that seemed like a step between two different “levels” of a world and say “Finally – I’ve been waiting for you”. Or is it?

Well – and during the last 2 years I’ve had my nose “thrown” into Shaman stuff whereever I looked. And every now and then this picture of the man comes up in my thoughts… and here I sit wondering, whether it would be good for my health and thoughts to travel “straight away” and see what it can do or wait until the next three weeks are over and exams made?

Will it help release stress or will it bring even more? Do I have the time and place to travel? Do I dare on my own?

And which world do i belong to… that travelling one…or am I a moondancer…or does ist matter at all?

A dryad’s candy … 21. October 2009

The wonderful Dryade has started a little challenge on her blog. Since it’s the 2nd anniversary of her blogging-start she’s giving away a wonderful “Candy” … Check it out -  if you’re into smudging it’s a must! : http://dryadesgedanken.blogspot.com/

Drayde started zu ihrem Blogger-GEburtstag eine kleine Challange um ein “Candy” von ihr. Stehst du auf Räuchern ist es ein muss Link oben.

autumn life 15. October 2009

Strong winds – leaves – the master’s paint is taken out and slowly but steadily all trees around us grow red and glowing.

I love autumn – just my time of year.  The blowing wind takes bad thoughts and ideas away – it carries your mind and thoughts to such different levels and is calming. I love the golden days it brings. Windy days, rainy parts, coloured sights, cooling temperatures – all the right ingredients for a day on my rocking chair in the sunroom, looking out to the garden, watching the busy birds warming up, while enjoying a hot steaming cuppa char. That’s life….I can forget the world around me when it’s autumn and usually creativity starts its flow – the colourful nature being the perfect inspiration.

Just right now I’m wondering where my lovely autumn is? Where did it go? There are freezing temperatures outside and our flowers have already wondered off to my in-laws greenhouse for the winter. There’ve been two nights of ground frost and it seems I have to get the birdseed out way before November.

Goes with my blocked Chakras – esp. the Sacral and Throat Chakra are not as open as they should be. So my working is double-blocked right now. “My” autumn not setting out for inspiration and my inner flow not being possible. But are blocked chakras something strange considering the year I’ve had. As Samhain is approaching I find myself looking back thoroughly. At work I had to constantly be different and work different from the way I want to / I’m used to.  If I pass these exams in November and work hard enough for it during the next two weeks this part will be over and I’ll have my gateway to be working the way I want and need to.  Then my husband fell ill – so far we’re good and very optimistic. He’s more or less losing his sight on one eye – but what is this compared to losing your life!? Next my brother-in-law was in hospital with indefinable heart-problems. Still no idea what it was – hehad simply passed out – for the second time.  And right now my father in-law was diagnosed with severe heart problems and will have to undergo quite compolicated surgery during the next 4-5 weeks. Right in my exam time.

Seeing this it does not seem strange anymore that my energy is low and I don’t know where to go and what to do. I haven’t had a chance of concentrating on myself really. Now what’s a good tactic for the exams. Focus on myself NOW to have creativity and energy coming back to me? It seems so strange – I just don’t know where to start and what exactly I have to do in order to make this all work (again). I feel I’m expecting people to bring it to me really – but that won’t help, as it won’t be MY work – my way of doing things.

I seem to be as indecisive as the autumn out there – who can’t seem to decide whether he wants to come out and play or stay in and leave it to winter …

catching my breath 4. September 2009

Ah well

here I go again so – there’ll be so much to do during the next weeks and feelings tend to rush from “Let’s get to it” and “Oh no – such a heap”. Life’s quite funny – might just go for it really as I got to see again that there are jobs even harder and harsher during the last weeks. Good thing every now and then as it keeps reminding you of real limits and gives power to get moving again and be moving.

I’ll get the hubby home here today *sighs* We won’t get the results until the middle of the month or even end of September. We’ll see! But my hope and strength is slowly coming back to be and I only need to gain my courage and move on, gather my ideas and be positive about exams and life.

in November everything’s gonna be over *yippeh* and I only hope to get a good job right afterwards.

But now I better get moving and shopping to prepare a nice place for my hubby to come home to.

the fairy